All The Lonely People...

In a moment of musical clarity, which probably gave a glimpse into the heart of the lyricist, the Beatles asked the question, “All the lonely people, where do they all come from?”   I think the answer to this question resides somewhere in the reality we all have felt alone.  That is why to the writer of this song, there seemed to be so many of us.

This truth was once again brought to may attention this weekend as I listened to a group of people share their life stories. Because of the confidentiality necessary to create safety in this environment, I will not share any part of what they said.  I will,  however, share what was resonating in my heart as I listened.  It is a truth I recognize in my story, and have witnessed in different ways in the life journey of many others.  May be it is part of yours as well?

It begins with the acknowledgement of the simple reality; people often feel a deep sense of loneliness.  This can be a low grade feeling which seems to be a constant companion throughout life. People who experience this often have trouble remembering a time when they did not feeling alone.   It can also be a very intense reality in certain seasons of life like the loss of friendship, the death of a loved one, or the severing of a marriage.  While loneliness in these circumstances is brought on by an event, it often then stick with the person for years.  Whether always present or showing up in spurts, I have not met very many people who, if they were being straight with you, would not admit to feeling lonely for significant seasons in their life.

Loneliness can be present even when we are surrounded by other people.  We can be awash with family, friends, and even our community of faith and still feel quite alone.  We can even know these people love us and want the best for us, but somehow their good intentions and proximity does not fully erase the sense of isolation.  It seems logical to assert being surrounded by people will reduce your chances of being lonely, but being around people simply does not guarantee you will not experience loneliness.

The cure for loneliness is not being around people, it is being known.  The sad reality is often we are surrounded by lots of folks, and do not feel known by any of them.  How known do you feel?  Can you think a person or group of people with whom you feel seen and understood? If you answer "not very" or "no one," you need to know beyond any shadow of a doubt, you certainly are not alone in feeling this way.

The other part of what was resonating in my heart was born out of the experience of listening to the life stories of these wonderful, and beautiful people.  I could not help but notice; even though people identify themselves as feeling lonely, this fact does not take away their capacity to snuff out loneliness in others.  This appears to me to be a gracious gift.

Think about how easy it is to chase away loneliness by providing even small opportunities for someone to be known.  A simple touch of the shoulder allows someone to feel as if their presence has been recognized.  The question, “How are you really doing?” moves the conversation beyond the polite “Fine” or “Good”, and invites a person to share even a small truth about what is going on in their heart.  In the process they may actually feel seen.  Sitting down for coffee and letting a person know you have plenty of time and are more than willing to listen creates the space necessary for them to begin to share the deeper concerns of their soul.  Asking to hear someone’s story is an invitation for them to be known. Refraining from giving advice and simply mirroring back what you have heard  enables them to feel understood.   Taking an opportunity to pray a blessing over them may be the very thing which allows them to receive the truth of their value and the real possibility all of their story can be redeemed.

Even someone who knows what it is to feel the pangs of loneliness can share these gifts.  Maybe, because they know what it is to feel alone, they can actually do so in a much more attentive and compassionate way.  If my theory is correct and we have all felt the sting of loneliness, we can all develop the capacity to give these gifts to one another.

Having the capacity does not mean it will necessarily be easy.  Speaking their story out loud can be scary for people who have never had the experience of being invited to be known.  It can be down right frightful for those who have taken the risk in the past and have been dismissed or hurt in the process.  This is why it is also important, with the invitation to be known, you also communicate they are loved.  You want them to be confident, despite whatever they share, you are for them and will love them.  If someone is able to trust you will love them no matter what, they will also be enabled to take the courageous step of allowing you to know them.  Maybe not all at once, but like the slow unfolding of a rosebud, they will open up.  

In the unfolding of their story you are likely to see both light and shadow.  What is true of all of us is our stories are made up of both good and bad, both the broken things and the beautiful things.  Often, as someone is sharing their story with you, you are able to see traces of the sacred in places they could not even imagine them showing up.  In helping recognize these places, you have the opportunity to help them recognize how both the broken and beautiful things can be redeemed for good.  This is powerful because it can help them make sense of their story, all of it.

It also makes them feel seen and known.  Being known chases away loneliness.  This is a beautiful gift for both the one who is sharing their story and for the one who is listening.

I have noticed, when I have had opportunity to pay attention to anothers' life story, listening not only helps chase away their loneliness, it also works at removing mine. No matter what degree of loneliness I may feel when entering one of these conversations, I have never felt as alone after someone has risked telling me a part of their narrative.  In their story, I often see parts of my own.  Even if I shared nothing about myself, somehow I feel known because of what our stories hold in common.  

In the telling of their story and recognizing the places of similarity, a unity of spirit is born.  It is impossible to feel completely alone when you feel unified in spirit to another.  This unity may not give you the sense you are fully known, but it does impart to you the hope it is possible.  This is an unexpected gift to the one who listens.

What would it be if we simply recognized the common condition of many hearts is varying degrees of loneliness?  What if we embraced the fact we have the capacity to cure this condition by creating a safe environment where we extend love and posture ourselves to listen?  What positive impact would the invitation to be known have on those around us?  I think it would be significant, healing and life-giving.

I imagine if we could create such places we just might have to change the lyrics to the Beatles song to something like, “All the lonely people, where did they all go to?”  It is a promising thought.  The possibility lies within you.