It Resonates Deeply

A month from now I will celebrate the anniversary of receiving an email which would change my life forever.  I should have known it was coming.  A woman told us as much in a time of prayer a month before it happened.  Even though it was not a total surprise, it was still a complete shock. 

Looking back now, I can also say it was grace.  It began a long process of becoming unglued from a place where I had invested and lived my life, and from people to whom I had given my whole heart.  I do not know if I would have survived being torn from it suddenly, without any time to prepare my heart for the severing.  God was gracious to give me a year to adjust to what I knew would come.  Still it hurt, the kind of hurt which you know you will carry with you until all hurts are washed away by the wonder of heaven. 

This weekend I heard a phrase which, though possibly familiar to you,  I do not ever remember hearing.  Maybe I had never taken notice of it before because it simply did not touch my soul.  Now, given the point of view my life currently affords, I find it resonates deeply. The kind of deep in your gut visceral feeling which make you know, in ways you cannot yet fully put into words, the reverberations of this truth has changed something inside of you.  At the sound of the words, an understanding was born in my spirit which has become a way point on my journey.  It gives not only a sense of where I am, but where I am called to go.  It is freeing, and exciting, and a bit terrifying all at once.

I realize what I heard may not resonate with you in quite the same way.  Maybe your journey has not yet taken you down the path I have walked these past two years.  More than likely, however, most of you have taken, at some point in your life, a similar road.  You may even be on the journey now.  Because I know we are never alone in our experience of affliction, it might be possible what I heard may just touch you as deeply as it did me, and thus provide you a way point for your journey.

This is the phrase I heard.  It comes in two parts and the first is simply this: hurt people, hurt people.  Without going into any detail, because it simply would not be of any use, let me say these last two years have taught me the truth of this statement.  People who are wounded and broken will end up wounding and breaking others, unless the cycle is interrupted and a choice is made to take a different way.  Every one of us can point to a place in our lives where we have been injured by someone who is carrying the scars of their own hurt.  Whether they are compensating, lashing out, or unconsciously injuring those around them, their wounds becomes the birth place of hurt in others.

While this is true, and we ought to be aware of it, it is not what impacted me the most.  It was the second part of the phrase which struck a deep chord in my heart: free people, free people.  The reality is will all be hurt by others in this life.  I know there are those who could point to me and say I have injured them.  If I am willing to open my eyes and see clearly, I can trace a path back from their hurt to my own woundedness.  If you are honest with yourself, you know this is true about you as well. This truth has the potential to suck the hope out of our hearts and cause us to build walls between us.  Our intention is to keep our self safe, but the untended consequence is being imprisoned within fortifications of our own making.  It does not have to be this way.  Listen carefully as I say it again: free people, free people.  In this simply little phrase there is so much hope.  It is pregnant with the promises of life and love.  This weekend, the revelation of this truth called out to my heart and changed it.

Jesus said, “If the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.”  Jesus came to set us free from sin, death, unrighteousness, and the pattern of hurt people, hurting people.  He came to give forgiveness, life and freedom.  We have a choice to make when we are hurt.  Will we simply take the hurt we have received and pass it on to another, thinking somehow this will alleviate the pain, or will we recognize the only way to heal the hurt is to walk in freedom, and in the process help others to become free?

Having experienced great hurt, I want you to know my desire is not to pass along the pain.  I long to live in the freedom which has been freely given to me.  In my reading of Scripture and understanding of the human heart, I see no other path to life.  If you have been wounded, I invite you to unburden yourself from the chains with which your hurt has shackled you, and walk in freedom.

Now before you give me your hearty “Count me in,” there are a couple of things you will need to know. 

First, being free will not erase the scars your hurt has caused.  While death could not hold Jesus, and His resurrection provided the path to freedom, when Jesus appeared to his disciples there were still scars on his hands and feet, and upon his side.  You may be raised to life and freedom, but the scars will never fully go away.   Take courage, for as you walk in freedom, what now feels like an unsightly wound will be transformed into something quite beautiful.   It will not happen overnight.  You may not even notice it taking place, but one day you will look back and see God indeed has the ability to make all things beautiful.

Second, freedom does not come cheap.  It cost Christ everything, and it will cost you.  You will have to set aside your desire for justices and embrace trust.  You will have to lay down your longing for punishment and offer forgiveness.  You will have to give up trying to protect your heart and make yourself vulnerable.  It will feel as if you are moving out of a place of safety and security and taking a great risk.  This is not true.  Yes, you may risk being hurt again, but the safest place you can walk is in the freedom which Jesus has made possible.   

This freedom begins in forgiveness.  There is no way around it. Honestly, at times I wish there was.   It can feel like too much to pay, but this is only in the beginning.  Once you have begun to walk in freedom, once you have tasted what it is like to move without any encumbrance or hindrance, you will think it was worth everything you have had to give, and more.

One of the things which will make it worth the cost is the simple fact: free people, free people.  As you learn to walk in the unforced rhythm of grace and freedom, your life will become an invitation to others to break out of the cycle of hurt and be free.  Instead of spreading pain, you will become a instrument of healing.  For those you touch, this will be a new way of living.  Like a child learning to walk, their steps may be unsteady at first, but they will soon learn what it is to run in freedom.

Lest you think walking in this kind of freedom comes easy, or is even possible in our own strength, let me tell you about my Friday.  On that day, I walked into the place, where except for a handful of mornings, I have spent every Friday for the past 12 years.  Every time, my friend and I sit in the same booth.  It is there we share our life, our hurts, our hang-ups and our desire to live like Jesus lived.  It is the place where we confess sin, offer to one another love, acceptance and forgiveness, and encourage each other to run the race in freedom.

On this particular morning, sitting in the booth next to ours were the men who, in all likelihood, gave birth to the notions which would grow into the decisions which have caused me so much hurt these past two years.  I, along with a guest who was joining us for our morning ritual, stopped at their table, shook hands and made small talk.  We then abandoned our normal booth and moved to the furthest point possible in the restaurant.  I did not want to hear their conversation, and I certainly did not want them to hear mine.  Still, we could not find a place where I could not see them.  As I sat there, occasionally catching glimpses them in my peripheral vision, I noticed something in my heart.  It was no longer crying out for justice or making excuses for holding on to the hope things would be set right.  It was as if something in my heart was being changed and softened.  For what purpose, I did not know, but it felt like movement in the right direction, even if it was only a matter of degrees. Sitting there I could feel the resistance to forgiveness melting into indifference. 

Now, indifference gets a bad rap.  We hear it and think it represents not caring.  This is not what I mean.  What I am suggesting when I say indifference is the capacity to not have circumstances, or people, determine your response.  It is your reactions being rooted and grounded in the love you have received from God, and nothing else. It is a powerful way to live.  Sitting in the restaurant I could feel the first hint it might be possible to live like this, even in the place of my deepest hurt.

On Saturday I eavesdropped on a conference a group of women were participating in at our home.  It was here I heard the simple phrase, Free people, free people, and when I heard it my heart quickened.  I knew in that moment it was possible to choose.  I knew I wanted to live a life which was born in freedom, not hurt.  Several of the speakers told stories of their and willingness to love, even in the face of great hurt, and the power of being free.  Their testimonies bore witness to how this freedom is now being used to free others.  What had the potential to be used for such evil in their lives, has been redeemed by God for good, precisely because they choose to walk in the freedom they have been given.

Can you think of a better way to live?  I cannot.  While this simple truth (free people, free people) has resonated deeply in my soul, it has not changed my circumstance.  In this place of unknowing, however, it has given me clarity on how I will live now, and into the future.  I cannot yet see the destination, but I walk with confidence knowing I am on the right path.

I do not care if I am ever again called pastor, preacher, professor, or to professional ministry so long as the Spirit of God is at work in me,  manifesting my faith in love and freedom, and in doing so, growing me into a person who He can use to encourage others to take risk of laying aside hurt and learning to be free.  This is the ancient path.  This is the good way.  Walking in it, my soul is at rest, and I am indeed free.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,
Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.
He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set free those who are oppressed,

To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.” -Luke 4:18-19

“If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” - John 8:31-32

"If the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed." - John 8:36

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
    ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
    and you will find rest for your souls." - Jeremiah 6:16