Recently, I heard of the death of a friend from college. I had not spoken with her since 1986, so I was surprised how hard it hit me. I would have expected sadness to accompany the news, but I would not have imagined it stirring up the amount of grief I have felt. Honestly, I have been blindsided by it.
Given the intensity of what I have been feeling, I have been wondering if the news of this friend’s death is pressing on something deeper. Because of this, I have resisted the temptation to avoid the sadness and I have kept myself from numbing it. When the sadness comes, I have allowed myself to feel it, and be with God in it. I have been asking Him to not only be with me, but help me see the deeper place this loss it is touching.
Several thoughts have surfaced. Last year alone, I lost my father, stepsister, and spiritual mentor. If you were to stretch time back a few more years, there are many more people our family has lost. Two hands would not be enough to count them all. Maybe, the news of this friend’s death is simply helping me embrace the reality of the many losses we have had. Even though I have sought to walk through each loss as it came, I cannot deny that as the losses have mounted up, grief seems to have multiplied. My reaction to this friend’s death invites me to acknowledge this reality.
I have also wondered if the fact that the news of my friend’s death has come in this particular season has anything to do with the intensity of how it has impacted me. We are all walking through a season of many losses. So much has been taken from us because of the pandemic that infects our world. We have been uprooted from our normal rhythms of life. Work has been disrupted, schools have been closed, and our places of community have been shut down. When we do leave our homes, we do not feel as safe as we once did. We know people who have fallen ill, and maybe some who have died. It has been a season of loss upon loss.
In the midst of it all, we are being asked to keep our distance from the very people, places and communities that help us to bear up in hard seasons like this one. The ballast stones which help to keep our ships upright in such storms are not easily accessible. We are being asked to socially distance at the very moment we need one another most.
Even so, we do our best to hold on to what we are able. One rhythm that helps me to endure is walking. Today, I was walking with a friend in the local nature center, talking about all these things, and sharing how odd it seems to feel so deeply at the loss of someone I have not seen in 34 years. It was helpful to speak these things out loud. I needed to put my thoughts and feelings into words.
Just about the time I had exhausted all my words, we came to a place where we had paused to take a photo earlier in the spring. At that time, there was a plant in that spot with large dark green leaves with veins running through them. It had trumpet shaped white flowers that were turned heavenward. The contrast of the deep green and white caught our eyes. We stopped to allow the beauty of it soak in. I wanted to remember it, so I snapped a photo.
Now, standing in that same place, with no more words to speak, we beheld the same plant. It had drastically changed. It now incarnated exactly what I have been feeling. The flowers were gone. The leaves had withered, died and blown away. All that was left were the shriveled, dried stems of a plant that was once full of life. It was barren and dead. I did not need any more words, because this image contained them all.
We paused for a few moments, not saying much except to acknowledge, given our conversation, how appropriate seeing this plant felt. In Spring, we admired its beauty, now we were pausing to behold its death. This moment seems more significant than the first, so I took another photo. I wanted to be able to see them side by side. I wanted to be able to hold both life and death together.
I did not tell my walking partner, but the reality is I know this plant, not just from earlier in the year, or the connection I felt to it today, as it mirrored what I have been feeling. I know this plant because I have walked this nature trail for many years, and I have noticed its beauty during many springs. While it appears dead right now. I already know, a time will come when I will once again marvel at its broad green leaves and trumpet shaped flowers. This death, this dormancy, will once again give birth to life.
This thought filled my mind as we continued to walk. It helped me to hold my grief. Death and loss are hard. But death is not the end. Resurrection follows death. I am as confident of this truth as I am of the fact that I will see that plant flower again next spring. I know it in my deep.
When there is a loss, I need to allow my heart to acknowledge and feel the pain brought about by life giving way to death. But I also need to open my heart to the reality that death will one day give way to life. I have to train my heart to hold both realities. I need to see both pictures clearly in mind. Doing so gives me the capacity to hope, even in the midst of the pain of loss.
Holding on to such hope is the only way
I know to keep walking forward.
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