The Scar

It has been a month since I was laid-off from the ministry where I had served for 21 years.  Giving was down by 25% in the first quarter and leadership decided they needed to cut staff.  I was one of two who were let go.  I know that in our microwave society, a month can feel like an eternity, but in reality it is far too soon to say much about it at all, except for the fact that God has been faithful in communicating to us that He is present with us through all of this.

The morning I was called down to the office to be given the news I had spent some time in Scripture and then in a small devotional I read each morning.  The message from God that morning, do not seek to find your peace in circumstances.  All it will do is lead to an anxious heart.  Instead, look to my presence and there you will find peace.  Little did I know how soon I would be given the opportunity to apply this Truth.

A few minutes later, I received an email from a man who has had issues with the church and these issues have kept him from being able to maintain relationship.  I have sought over the past year to seek restoration.  He has not been ready.  I saw that email as a crack in the wall that had been built which has separated us.  It gave me hope.  This was a gift.

I then had the opportunity to go encourage, listen to, and be prayed for by a fellow staff member.  His prayer was sincere and kind and offered gratitude and blessing for me.  As I walked out of his office, I offered up a quick prayer to God and said, “Even if I am not here forever I am grateful I have been here long enough to see you bring our relationship to this good place.”  Little did I know that this was the last interaction I would have with a coworker before everything changed.

Each one of these was a gift.  They were gifts God was giving ahead of the news, to prepare my heart for what was about to happen.  This was a great grace.

Over the last month, my wife Tammie and I have continued to see God give us such gifts.  There are too many of them to recount them all.  Last night was the latest example.  Tammie was driving to a meeting at a church in Fullerton.  As she drove, she was thinking about how grateful she is for the place God had been creating for her at this church over the last year in preparation for the transition we find ourselves in now.  She also thought about the loss we have experienced and the grief we have felt.  It was then that she heard God tell her, “Don't you think I am grieving these things with you as well?”  This was a thought that had not crossed her mind before.

While we did not, and still do not fully understand all that God is doing, we trusted that He has permitted it for a purpose that we cannot see.  In some ways, we just accepted the pain and the grief as a byproduct of what God is allowing.  It never dawned on either one of us that He might be just as grieved as we are.  His heart may feel just as broken as ours.

When my wife shared with me what God had spoken to her, it both comforted me and perplexed me.  God was grieving this loss with us, which was a great comfort, and yet He is God, he could have prevented it all together.  He did not.  If he knew it would be so painful, if he could have stopped it from happening, why would he allow it?

It took me a while to process this.  As I sat there half thinking, half praying a picture came into my head.  When my daughter was very young she crawled over to the fireplace (Don't worry, it was not lit.) and reached in and grabbed something that cut her hand. She of course began to cry and held out her hand.  When we first looked at her hand all we could see was black soot, but it did not take long for it to become wet with blood.

We took her over to the sink and washed out the wound.  The cut was significant and we knew in a moment that she was probably going to need stitches.  We rushed her to the emergency room where the doctor confirmed our diagnosis.  They cleaned out the wound as best as they could and then prepared her for receiving the stitches.

Because she was so young, they did not want to give her much in the way of injections to deaden the pain.  Instead, they wrapped her in a blanket, like a papoose, with only her arm sticking out.  They asked us to hold her tight as they administered the stitches.  She was terrified and crying.  There were big crocodile tears running down her face and she was looking up at us with a look on her face that was asking, “Why won’t you save me from this pain?”

This made us weep.

We knew, however, as much as this was breaking our hearts, we had to allow her to endure this pain.  In fact, it would have been far crueler to have pulled her away from the doctor, freed her from the blanket, and allowed her hand to remain the way it was.

Our daughter has a scar on her hand that she has carried with her ever since.  It is more pronounced because the soot could not be fully washed out of the wound and still colors it. It would, however, have been far worse had we not allowed her to endure the pain of that moment and provided opportunity for the physician to close the wound.

I have to trust that God is both the parent and the great physician in my present circumstance.  He sees the hurt, pain and grief and because of his love for us, he holds us and he weeps.  It is a great grace that he reminded my wife, and through her me, of this truth.  He is also at work, to mend the wound that has cut us deeply.  It has not healed yet, but he is applying the sutures.

This too is grace.

Not long ago I asked my daughter to show me the scar on her hand.  When she was little, it almost ran the length of her entire hand.  I had not noticed it for some time, so I was surprised at how small it now looked.  It is still darkened by the soot.  It is still a scar she will carry with her for the rest of her life, but because of the growth that has taken place, in her between the time of the injury and now, it seems much smaller.  In fact, you probably would not notice it unless you knew to look for it.  Back then, it was all pain and tears, now it is a family story.

She will tease us and say, “What were you thinking letting a toddler play in the fire place?”  Next time she asks I am going to reply, we needed a picture that would remind us of how close the Father is to us when we are hurt.  How much his heart breaks when he sees us in pain. How much hope there is that this huge wound will one day seem so much smaller, especially when it is viewed in relationship to the growth that is to come.

What a beautiful, gracious scar.