Which would you choose?

Last Sunday I had the privilege to go to church with my friends Mark and Denise in Parker, Colorado.  As part of the sermon the pastor made a passing comment about love, trust and relationships.  I have been thinking about it ever since.  So you can join me in my pondering, I want to ask you this question:

If you had to choose between love or trust in a relationships, which would you choose? 

Now let me just say at the very outset the best kinds of relationships possess both, but that does not mean all relationships have both.  There are times in life and in our relationships that we only get one or the other, and if this were the case in a relationship you have in your life, which would you choose?

Think about it for a minute.

After thinking about it you may want to argue with me and say you cannot have one without the other, but this is just not true.  You can love someone whom you do not trust, and you can trust someone you do not love.  Refusing to accept this simple truth can open you up to a great deal of hurt.

Think about someone you love, or are called to love, but do not trust.  An example of this kind of person might be a family who member who has broken your trust over and over again.  It is always painful when someone breaks our trust, but it is even more so when it is someone one you love.  If they have broken your trust enough you many have had to build boundaries in your life to keep them from wounding you again, and again.  Your heart simply cannot take the risk of trusting them one more time and having it wrecked once more.

Though this may be a sad reality in a relationship you have, it may also be a reality that it does not change the deep seeded truth that you still love them.

Another person who may fit into this category is your enemy.  Scripture is very clear, we are to love our enemies, but if they are truly our enemies, it is important to be able to distinguish between love and trust.  Trusting our enemy might very well bring destruction into our life.  This fact, however, does not negate our ability to love them, to want good for them, and to do good to when we have the opportunity to do so without opening ourselves to being affected by their untrustworthiness.

This kind of love requires a great deal of trust in God, but that is another blog.

Now turn your attention to someone you trust, but may not love.  It could be someone who irritates you, or whom you cannot stand.  It could be someone you would not choose to have any dealings with except for the fact that through work, church, school, where you live, or some other life circumstance you have been thrown together.

Even though you might not choose to have them in your life, you may have made the discovery that they are trustworthy.  They do what they say they will do.  They treat you with fairness, even though you are not the best of friends.  You can count on them to come through.  While love may not be the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of them, you know when push comes to shove you can trust them.  Chances are you have one or even several of these kinds of people in your life.

Given all of this, which would you chose in a relationship love or trust?

Of course I, like you, would want to choose both, but if I could choose only one I would choose trust.

Trust allows me to have relationship with a person, the kind of relationship where we are able to depend upon one another, seek what is good for one another, open to one another without the fear that we will hurt each other.  In fact, now that I think about it, I am not sure you can have any kind of positive, life giving  real relationship unless there is trust.

Love on the other hand, while it may compel me to seek the good for another, does not guarantee the possibility of relationship.  This is true, not only for us, but for God.  Scripture tells us that God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son for us.  There is no greater love than this.  However, even this immense love does not mean that a man will have relationship with God.  Something more is required; faith, belief, or put another way trust.

It is important we recognize this fundamental truth about relationships or we might open ourselves up to great injury.

With those whom I both love and trust I can enter into relationship with full abandon.

With those whom I trust, but have not developed love, I can enter into relationship hoping the trust we share and the association that is made possible will one day grow into love.

And with those whom I love but do not trust, the appropriate response it to seek their good, but not put myself in a position to be wounded by them once again, unless of course, the trust that has been lost has been rebuilt. 

In my experience this takes repentance, admitting the wrong and a turning away from one pattern of life to embrace another.  It also takes a willingness to forgive, and the experience of trustworthiness that only comes with time. Until these are entered into, no real relationship is possible, nor can real trust be rebuilt.  The amazing part is, if two people, for the sake of love are willing to walk this path, restoration is possible.  This is a hard road, and not many choose it.

If I had my way relationships would always possess both love and trust. This combination makes it possible for each person to feel safe, grow, and give selflessly to the other.  Unfortunately, in our broken world relationships sometimes offer one or the other.  It seems to me, given how hard it is to rebuild trust, and given the fact that a mutually trusting relationship almost naturally moves towards love, I would choose trust.

To make this choice it is far less about finding someone whom I can trust, and far more about being someone whom others can trust.  I am not always perfect at this, and so when I break trust I must be willing to go to the other person and ask for forgiveness, and in the process invite the other to join me on the path of restoration.

I have had to do this more often than I care to admit with my wife, my children, friends, and a couple of times with total strangers.  What I have found is their surprise of having someone admit they have made a mistake, broken trust, and ask forgiveness and often it is all a person needs to be willing to take the risk of beginning the process of restoration.   And while this is never as good as having not broken trust, since we all break trust at times, it does provide its own kind of security, knowing that even if we do something that is harmful to a relationship, not only is restoration is possible but also often very sweet.

If we would all be willing to take the first step, maybe there would be no need to choose between love and trust.

Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. – Matthew5:23-24